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Rise Up Against Massa Obama

blogger_patriot — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 00:56:16 PST

My friends, ever since Chairman OBAMA "won" (I still haven't met a single person who voted for him) the election in 09 HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED has used his failed presidency to turn the fire hose on us, the White Christian majority. On his first day in office BARRYO opened up the ACORN run FEMA concentration camps. Then he sent his jackbooted SS "cenus takers" to figure out where all the Chrisitans lived. The man is arrogant beyond belief! Show me in the constitushun where it talks about taking a census?! My friends I've read it- it doesnt a lick about census- it just talks about FREEDOM. I realize that Muslims believe that Mohhamed commanded they take a census but this is AMERICA- the only numbers we need to know are 1492, July 4th, 1776 and 9/11.

But when the concentration camps couldn't quench Obama's hatred he had the CIA invent meth and pass it out at the trailer parks. Everyone I know's got at least one meth head in ther family. When not enough people were taking METH OBAMA passed JOB KILLING REGULATIONS to force us to take it! In 2007 Gillette bought the Gadsen Dog Food company and dropped everyone's salary from $28 an hour to minimum wage. Why? To pay for all the insane REGLATIONS OBAMA CRAMMED down thier thorats. I got a buddy that works the horse grinder at GDF and other than the occasional hospital stay- he's never missed work, but OBAMA'S SAFTEY GESTAPO sent him home when he cut his hand. Now how in the HECK is GDF supposed to stay in buisness if every time someone gets a "boo boo" they gotta shut down the line? My buddy became a meth head sose he could work three shifts. When I callled the LAW on him instead of just giving him a talking to they sentenced him to 25 years prison. Now he's gonna be working on a chain gang on highway 31 picking up trash while our Dear Leader sips wine and eats arugla and dijon mustard sandwiches. I tell you what we're all just slaves. Modern day slavery is the ONLY thing that will satisfy OBAMA. It's just as bad as the blacks had it- not a single cotton picking one of us is ever gonna be out of credit card debt, pay off our second mortgages, or see a got danged doctor.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse - OBAMA done gooffed again and signed the National Defense Authorization Act. Normally I'm the first person to say "Hell ya!" to any kind of Defense- be it military, home, or Alabama (Roll Tide, Praise Bear Bryant BPBOH). But the NDAA says our OBAMA can jail anyone he wants to for any reason. And friends it already started. Go ahead- try to find Glenn Beck. He's not on Fox anymore ever since OBAMA took over it. For refusing to get to the back of Obama's bus they done hauled him off to Guamtamo. My friends- it can only get worse. I give it a year before Americans are bought and sold on Wall Street all under the watchful eye of the OBAMA Youth Army- OCCUPY WALLSTREET.

My friends from one slave to another- make sure you vote this November for whoever the Republican is (unless it's MASSACHUSTETS MITT) and let's show OBAMA - no matter how many times Obama cracks the whip Uncle Sam won't ever be Uncle Tom.

Death to Santa

Lindsay — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 03:14:23 PST

Violence marred yet another day of protest in the North Pole capital city of Santa's village. Protestors made up mainly of the ethnic minority elf populations converged on Gumdrop Plaza demanding an end income inequality, an end to austerity and representation and accountability in the country's lower house. Despite mounting pressure from the international community, within an hour the elvish protestos were met with stiff and brutal resistance from Polensioan Authoricrat Santa's mounted police.

In a cell phone video clip posted to youtube an elf is seen being run over by a reindeer mounted snowman before being surrounded by ginger breadmen in full riot gear. After a barage of savage clubbings with candy canes the elf s uncerimously thrown into the back of an unmarked one horse open sleigh. The elf is then loaded onto a sligh and driven off, presumable to be tourted in Santa's Workshop.

Despite the heavy casualties elvish protesters are undeterred. One protestor, wearing 13 woolen hats and claiming to have traveled from the UK to help his brothers protest, dramatically changed the tone of teh protest from "better working conditions" to an all out assult on the Santa. The protestor, standing on top of an armored personelle carrier pumped his fist in the air erupted "Down with the dictator [Santa]." Within minutes a cochoophny of high pitched calls for death sure to raise every white hair on Santa's tremendous, bloated body, echoed through Gumdrop plaza.

Background

The History
Santa, originally installed as a temporary oversear of the disputed South North Pole territory at the end of WWII, has been the only ruler for many generations. After naming himself Devine Holy Emporer in 1967, Santa began a campaign of genocide nudging already frail tensions with the North North Pole to a breaking point. After an botched incursion by Santa's Special Walrus Team 6 into the North lead to the death of 39 polar bear cubs populaist North North pole leader St Nicholas Claus III was left with little choice then to declare war on the South. The North, under Nicholas' rule, had become a thriving hub of medical, food sciences, and space research. With little money spent on defense the North stood little chance against Santa's vast Religious Crusader Army.

Proxy War
Within days the USSR and US began secretly funding either side of the war, beginning a proxy war that nearly destroyed the coffers of both countries. The USSR supplied Nicholas' forces with attack helicopters and tanks. Santa's forces, while numerous faught with vehicles made of snow, ice, and wood. Despite massive protests in the US calling for support of St. Nicholas' progressive society, the US Congress and then US President Nixon refused to officially back either side. Through Freedom of Information acts we now know that even before the war began US special forces provided training and arms to Santa's troops. Ultimately it was the CIA with support of Congressman Charlie Wilson that ended the war. Wilson became convinced that ending the war and establishing friendly terms with Santa was the only way to stop the North Pole from destroying itself. Experts agree that while Wilson's gamble of $10B prevented further bloodshed, it also cemented Santa's role as dictator for life. Wilson's gamble changed the tide of the war, especially the $5B in rocket propelled gum drops, shoulder fired candy canes, and war narwhals. Santa's Religious Crusader Army could finally defeat Nicholas!

Pax Santa
On March 25 1972, Santa announced that the reunification of the North Pole. Santa, by then a paid CIA operative, established a puppet regime to placate the elves. The elves along with all other races were each allowed to a union leader from a selection of nominees Santa approved. The union leaders could then draft legislation. Santa had final authority to edit legislation before he approved it. As one of his final acts as President, Nixon US declared the North Pole an "Ally for Life" under the pretense establishing a democracy in the North Pole. In reality, the Nixon administration was acting on behalf of the toy industry. The industry saught to exploit the cheap elfin labor to drastically reduce the cost of toy production. For the next 30 years the North was relatively peaceful. Apart from the occasional defector attracting world attention, the only thing that left the North Pole was hundreds of tons of toys. Santa always made sure that when toys were deliverd it was he, not the elves or any other magical creature, who delivered them. Within 5 years Santa's blood thirsty acts of violence were forgotten as entire generations of children worshiped the annual gift man.

A Near Fatal Blow
Everything seemed to be going ok until the late 90's. Chinese manufacturing eroded Santa's monopoly on world wide toy production. New York Times Best Selling Author Thomas Friedman famously declared an end to the North Pole in a May 1997 editorial saying "One Chinaman can produce a Tickle Me Elmo for half the cost of an elf. In the next 5 years, the hopes of millions during the 60s, an end to the Santa regime will come not through military action, but simple economics." Many believe that Santa, an avid reader of the New York Times, read the Friedman piece. Within days of it's publication, the North Pole published an full page ad in the New York Times announcing that Santa had hired industry leading experts from General Motors, Bane Capital, and Goldman Sachs to restructure his operations. Within days reduction of elf benefits, Just-In-Time methodology and enslavement of Polar bears lowered North Pole manufacturing price levels to be competitive with China.

Tensions Rise
Although Santa rejoiced at taking his title of Toy King back, resentment among the elf population rose. Gone were the days of a ginger bred cottage for every elf. All elves now lived in military style barracks. All attempts by elfin union leaders to redress grievances were blocked by by Santa's powerful allies the reindeer and snowmen. Santa encouraged progressive elfin leadership to educate the snowmen and reindeer of elf plight. Ultimately the ill educated reindeer and snowmen populations refused all attempts at cordiality by elves saying "elves talk all faggy" and "when's the last time an elf pulled Santa's sliegh amirite?"

The Elfin Spring
In late 2007 like many wealthy dictators, Santa lost a tremendous amont of wealth to disgraced financier Bernie Madoff. It is estimated that Santa had invested $20B of his personal money and all of the North Pole's estimated $14B with Madoff. Santa's congress, in a thinly vieled attempt to fill coffers sold the next 7 years of toy revenue to Goldman Sachs in exchange for lump sum payment of 345 trillion Santa Bucks ($30 US). When word of the Tunisan revolution spread to the North Pole elvish leaders began staging daily protests. The elves famously refused to work the 5 days prior to Christmas 2010, leading gift giving that year to reach record lows. Ultimately it was Santa himself who triggered the massive protests that now mire the region. During a televised appearance in Gumdrop Plaza Santa slapped a young female elf named Thindee Withani for not addressing him as "Our Dear Leader." The footage was replayed on state television nonstop for 4 days. Enraged elves soon began amassing on Gumdrop Plaza calling for a public apology. When Santa flatly refused saying "the harlot deserved what she got, and it is only through my good graces that she is allowed to remain alive." Elves are famously asexual. The use of the word harlot lead to Thindee becoming the masthead of an unmovable wave of revolution. As world news outlets began covering the unreset the elves grew bolder. One elf in an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper said "All we want is a decent life and I've got a sharppended candy cane I hope to use to end Santa's [life] with- just like Gadhafi."

Santa's troops remain steadfast in their support for thier glorious leader. A gas mask wearing Mounted Snowman, in an interview with CBS News' Lara Logan replied coolly to accusations of police brutality with "Our tactics are no worse than those that your country uses against the Occupy Wall St scum, These elves are crooks- Santa told us the elves want even more money- right now they get to live in houses and yet we are forced to raise snowflakes outside. I fight for Santa and hope my loyalty will be rewarded with an elf apartment.

Lack of Us Involvement
To the frustration of countless Americans, the US has continued to officially support the Santa regime. Many suspect corporate interests are behind the seemingly unwavering support. CEO Loyd Blankfleld's summer 2011 testimony to the House International Relations Committee laid out, in no uncertain terms, that Goldman Sachs sought to protect it's investment. "This is not a matter of Democracy- this is a matter of National Security. Santa, is, and always will be our ally. Goldman recognized this and made an investment in Santa. We ask that the US respect our right to make investments and not interfere with Santa's response to the terroristic actions of the Elf terrorists. Goldman also reminds Congress that Elves willing to kill each other will not stop when they have taken the North, much like the Taliban- if Congress chooses to help the elves now we will be funding the 9/11 hijackers of tomorrow." Left with little choice but to watch on the sidelines, the Obama administration has offered little comment on the revolution.

As the conflict slogs on both sides appear immovable continue to rely on the only news outlet with a reporter on the ground.

Xzibit Releases Sex Tape

ITG — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 14:35:28 PST

Celebrity sex tape alert! Urban Rap Superstar Xzibit is furious over the release of an unauthorized sex tape. The 10 min long video titled "Exhibit XXX" shows Xzibit masturbating to a video of himself having sex with an unidentified woman. "That tape was made for my own personal use!" an outraged Xzibit yelled at the red carpet of the E! network's monthly Kardasian promotional party.

The one time "Face of MTV" Xzibit is currently promoting the release of his new book, a collection of short stories about young authors struggling to write books. He will also be narrating an upcoming documentary for the History Channel titled "From WWII to Ancient Aliens: A Brief History of the History Channel."

Limbaugh: Gabby Giffords is a Welfare Queen

Lindsay — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:54:53 PST

GOP Senior Leader Rush Limbaugh called Congress woman Gabrielle Giffords a "welfare queen" on his daily radio address yesterday. Limbaugh exposed the Democrat as a "shiftless drug addict sucking off the teat of the government medicare program." "My Friends, this is the definition of insanity: that a Democrat who worked so hard to destroy medicare and replace it with government controlled death panels is now getting her round the clock Cadillac care courtesy of OUR tax dollars. This is government waste at it's highest. Why can't this Democrat do what you and I are asked to do all the time and pay her own way? Because, my friends, that's how these democrats work. The thought of taking responsibility for their own actions is as outrageous as Obama letting you keep your guns!
"And have you seen these new rehab videos out there? You got Giffords exaggerating and wavering her voice like this " I'm handicap and I have short lesbian Feminzani hair, so vote Democrat."

When a caller asked Limbaugh why the Congresswoman would ever do such a thing Limbaugh replied, taking a bite out of a honey-baked ham like it was an apple, "You see, these democrats are easy to fool. Giffords wants to pretend to be injured to curry the favor of pinhead Democrat voters."

Limbaugh went on to remind voters that Giffords was still a target. He said Giffords has a price on her head, saying that whoever knocks her off her ivory tower will be America's greatest hero.

Student Cheats Way to MD

Lindsay — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 18:57:42 PST

Medical student Amit Patel recently completed medical school in just 1 year. By exploiting a technique many experts call grinding (and many normal Americans would call cheating) Dr Patel was able to finish school in record time according to the American Association of Medical Colleges. Dr. Patel says he got the ideal from role playing video games. "Instead of four long years of memorizing facts and learning increasingly complex procedures, I just repeated the same basic procedure a million times." Indeed, Dr Patel applied over 8 million bandages to the left fore arm of a patient in a long, boring marathon sitting. American Association of Medical Colleges President and CEO Darrell G. Kirch MD confirmed the process is technically acceptable but asked "yeah you could do it but why would you want to make a million daggers when you could be out fighting dragons?"

Despite his record breaking accomplishment Patel admits some embarrassment at his "easy out" saying "as soon as I can find a Namingway I'm going to change my name to something Jewy."

Sam Brownback Sucks

Lindsay — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 20:02:22 PST

Kansas Governor Sam Brownback sucks. The Governor who swore to defend the constitution made it very clear that he thinks the best use of the first amendment to the US Constitution is to wipe his Brownback.

In late 2011 high school senior senior Emma Sullivan tweeted, "Just made mean comments at gov. brownback and told him he sucked, in person." Brownback, the thin skinned archetype of every modern GOP nancy boy took offense and did what any victim of high school ribbing would do -- he told the principal. The principal, who after learning that his wife regularly jokes about her husband's lack of performance in both the bedroom and life, realized it was a perfect opportunity to finally feel superior to someone. After yelling at Emma for an hour, he entertained a sad fantasy that, if he coerced the student into writing the governor a formal apology, Brownback would know his name and promote him.

Here is a list of true facts about Sam Brownback:

A "Brownback" is the word used for the recipient of "Santorum," the producer of Santorum, of course, being called the "Reagan."

Sam Brownback lives in a mansion for free and criticizes people who can't pay their mortgages for being idiots who should probably just kill themselves.

Sam Brownback's only Xbox live points are from Avatar: the Last Air Bender.

Sam Brownback's rage comics are always 10+ panels.

Sam Brownback invites friends to his house and then gives them the shitty controller.

Sam Brownback pees "by sonar" at night and usually ends up leaving puddles of urine on the floor. When asked for comment he said, "Well, I got a wife, don't I?"

Sam Brownback once kicked a puppy into a sleeping kitten.

Sam Brownback loves that Sarah McLaughlin commercial on Comedy Central -- and whenever it's on he won't change the channel. Also, he makes fun of the whimpering puppies. (He's really a dick is what I'm trying to say.)

Sam Brownback would not shut the fuck up when you were playing Final Fantasy 7 and Aeris died. Then he started laughing.

Sam Brownback thinks Scar is a better leader than Mufasa, who he says "totally deserved it."

Sam Brownback deletes your shows on the DVR so that he can DVR reruns of Mamma's Family even though he's already seen all of them.

Sam Brownback demands complete and total obedience from all Kansans.

Sam Brownback believes in waterboarding and thinks we should waterboard every one of those Occupy people.

Sam Brownback clogged your toilet and then just left your house without saying anything.

In 2002 Sam Brownback wrote to Fox executives that they should cancel "Firefly" because "it's gay."

Sam Brownback loves the Cardinals, but only when they're winning.

Sam Brownback wants to shut down public libraries.

Despite such a cool name, Sam Brownback actually has a pink back.

Sam Brownback logs onto your wi-fi to download the Scary Movie series and current Adam Sandler movies -- not the good ones from the '90s when he was still funny. Even worse Brownback stops all his torrents when they reach 100%.

Sam Brownback downloads pornography from the internet and then claims he's trying to rid the internet of filth using it all up.

Sam Brownback said he'd split a pizza with you, but then ate way more than half and didn't even eat the crust.

Sam Brownback has masturbated in every room of the Kansas Governor's mansion.

Sam Brownback puts pennies in his ass and then gives away those same ass pennies all over town. If you live in Kansas, chances are you've handled Brownback's ass pennies.

Sam Brownback says drunk driving laws and seatbelts don't apply to governors.

Sam Brownback thinks money should be taken from scientific research and given to Churchs for "faith based" research.

Sam Brownback hates Overland Park and thinks Metcalf Avenue is too damn long and has too many damn Walmarts on it.

Sam Brownback thinks the Hindu temple in Shawnee Mission is an abomination and that it should be converted to either an Old Navy, a rape camp, an Apple Store, or a Cin-a-bon (in that order).

Sam Brownback once thought Sarah Palin was awesome and would make a "kick-ass" President.

Sam Brownback thinks Monsanto should have free reign to do anything it wants over its serfdom -- I mean Kansas.

Sam Brownback thinks "Rock Chalk Jayhawk" is stupid and does not actually rhyme like other Kansans seem to think.

Just last week Sam Brownback sat in the balcony of a movie theater and, just as the previews were starting, he made a sound like "uggh uggh I'm gonna vomit" before throwing soda mixed with popcorn on the unsuspecting people in front of him.

Sam Brownback liked Pluto Nash.

Sam Brownback intends to use social issues like abortion to win reelection but intends to do nothing about those social issues and will instead focus on further turning Kansas into a state in which multi-billion dollar conglomoriates drive the average working farmer out of business.

Sam Brownback thinks The Matrix Reloaded is better than The Matrix

Sam Brownback never saw the original Star Wars trilogy because he "wanted to watch them in order."

Sam Brownback thinks women are incapable of making decisions regarding thier own reproductive health.

Sam Brownback eats a lot of food before he goes on commercial airlines just so he can poop on the plane and make all the other passengers smell it.

Ever wonder why none of your posts on reddit.com make it big? Sam Brownback has been downvoting every single thing you post and then reposting it!

Sam Brownback is using his position of authority to bully a teenage girl.

Obama Surrenders America to Terrorists

blogger_patriot — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 06:10:12 PST

America's greatest threat, Kenyan born Muslim President Baraq Obama further eroded American exceptionalism today by announcing that America would negotiate with terrorists. Over the course of an "intense" taxpayer funded 30 minute long distance call Obama negotiated with Al Qaeda leaders in Afghanistan, Iran, North Korea, and France. What did Chairman Obama give Al Qaeda? No one is allowed to know under Obama's "presidential secrecy act" of 2006. The negotiation became formalized in a bizarre display of Sharia law on the White House lawn in which Obama ceremoniously blessed a turkey as the offical monkey god of the United States before sending the turkey on a taxpayer funded first class flight to Afghanistan.

Obama didn't comment to patriots' demands for his negotiation citing the lack of a teleprompter and his desire to get to his Thanksgiving Tofurkey with arugula and dijon mustard. If his wife lets him he will be have Dutch apple pie because Obama doesn't like AMERICAN apple pie.

Turkey Fries Man

Lindsay — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 22:19:40 PST

Most people in the Southwest suburbs were dressing their Thanksgiving turkeys Thursday afternoon, but for Bolingbrook home school teacher Pamela Malley, the afternoon was spent dressing her husband's 2nd degree burn wounds. The burns were the result of fowl play by a wild turkey.

According to Mr Malley the tomfoolery started just as he was getting ready to fry a 25 lb butterball. "I'd filled a metal trashcan to the brim with corn oil and lit 'er up just 15 minutes before. I had just gotten the turkey out of the wrapper and was fixin' to put a coat hanger through it when all of a sudden my dog freaks out." At this point it's important to mention that Mr Malley admits he had drunk 5 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and his dog, Boceifus -- a "half Alaskan Husky, half American Staffordshire Terrier, half teacup Yorkie mix" -- had had two bottle of Samuel Adams winter lager. "I could tell he was drunk and was itching to fight and, to be honest, so was I. But the next thing I knew the bottle of wild turkey I had flew into the hot oil and exploded!"

Boolingbrook fire chief Dave Litton warned residents against frying turkeys saying "frying a turkey is as dangerous as smoking in bed." Twenty minutes later Litton's crew put out the fire. When the smoke cleared the garage was completely destroyed, the Malley family car was damaged beyond use, and man and dog were both missing their eyebrows but were the best of friends again.

"This year I'm thankful that me and the dog are okay," Malley proclaimed, "but we'll stick to the steaks for now."

Oakland Mayor Warns Protesters

Lindsay — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 16:15:45 PDT

Besieged Oakland Mayor Jean Quan appealed to Occupy Oakland protesters to "stop the violence." Saying in an appearance outside of City Hall Ms Quan announced that 13 Oakland Police Officers have been injured while battling unruly protesters. Yesterday one of my Sergeants dislocated a shoulder after a protester kicked his police baton.- When will this violence end?" She further warned those thinking about joining the protest that the protesters were leaving her with little choice but to order the police to use whatever means necessary, up to and including lethal force to break up the protests.

After her comments a crowd of reporters bombarded her with questions about the near killing of two time Iraq War veteran Scott Olsen. "Mr Olsen protected his country by going to Iraq, he would understand the sacrifice I'm making to protect my City from the vandals and thugs that make up Occupy Oakland. We won't be held responsible for his death or injury- the simple fact is Mr Olsen chose to associate with those calling for the murder of the heads of our financial intuitions, He made a dumb move and he's paying for it."

The mayor also announced that Oakland would be opening a Freepeech zone within a month in which Occupy Protesters would be allowed to assemble between noon and dusk weekdays.

NYPD Chief: We Stand With Wall St

rumormiller — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 07:30:33 PDT

NYPD Police Commissioner Ray Kelly clarified the department's position as solidly supporting NYC's produst instituion Wall St. Saying at a luncheon on Park Ave with Vice Presidents from Wall St brokerages Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley/Smith Barney "Wall St is New York. Nothing in New York would be possible without Wall St and I'm here to tell you- the NYPD has your back. New York is the place where the smartest people in the world come to make the big money deals. You don't chose LA, Chicago, or Oakland. You choose us because we're New Yorkers, and we support our brothers. The last thing we need is more filth from the Midwest, the South, and Vermont coming in and attacking our brothers and sisters while they try to work." After stopping several seconds for a round of rousing applause the Chief went on to congratulate the firms; on their success and thank them for the record $4million donation to the NYPD policeman's funds.

Commenting outside the event, Chief Kelly reiterated his hard line stance saying "The NYPD and police unions stand strong with our allies or friends and our family on Wall St and we will not bow to the terroristitc threats of Occupy Wall St. I've instructed my officers to treat any threat to Wall St is a direct threat to the NYPD. "

NYPD police officer Ray Spoons stationed outside Zuccotti park shared his Chief's sentiments saying "Oakland should be a warning to protesters- if you don't want to end up like that punk Scott Olsen get outta the protest and get outta town."

In support of the Chief's new stance, Mayor Bloomberg announced late in the afternoon that police from the outer burrows would be reassigned to cover the "dangerous protesters threatening the NYPD/"

Westboro Baptist Church to Protest Occupy Wall St

rumormiller — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 14:39:40 PDT

Kansas based Westboro Baptist Church will be picketing the roughly 3000 protesters identifying themselves as Occupy Wall Street. Church pastor Fred Phelps confirmed on his weekly youtube address that the WBC has secured permits to march the same route Occupy Wall Street uses on a daily basis. Phelps admonished protesters saying, "The idle hands of the swine near Wall St, wallowing in the sins of homosexuality, only serve to strengthen the Devil's grasp on America's Christian founding." He went on to challenge "the Anonymous cowards on the Internet who mock Almighty God but lack the courage to face His loyal followers."

The atmosphere at Occupy Wall Street turned sour at the mention of Phelps' church's impending arrival. New York University Sophomore Nick Flamelle said, "WBC should be protesting the government's worship of the almighty dollar at the expense of the average American." Other protesters agreed, saying that they hope WBC will help strengthen public support for the group. "Honestly, " reveals Hofstra University sophomore Ming Lee, "I was thinking of leaving the protest, but now that WBC is coming, I know I'm on the right side of history."

NYPD Police Commissioner Ray Kelly has already warned New Yorkers to not interfere with WBC's protests. "Unlike the Occupy Wall St Crowd, WBC has filed the proper forms, and has the full support of the NYPD. Anyone harassing or attempting to stop WBC members from marching will be dealt with appropriately up to and including arrest."

Boehner: Obama’s Downgrade Will Not Stand

Lindsay — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 07:39:31 PDT

In response to Friday’s historic credit downgrade Republicans lashed out at President Obama, attributing the downgrade to Obama’s actions. Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner led the charge blasting the President’s recent debt ceiling bill “I warned the President that his plan didn’t cut spending enough but he didn’t listen.” Boehner went on to suggest that further spending cuts be enacted immediately saying “Right now we cannot afford the EPA, the NEA, the NSF, or the SEC. It’s time to cut the alphabet soup and get back to running this country.”

Asked by NBC’s Jim Avola if the GOP could share any blame in the credit downgrade, an angry Boehner, turning a deep red and slamming his hounds on a stated bluntly “let me be clear with the American public- the GOP has been following the same policies since Ronald Regean was President- the fact is you have a radical left-wing extremist in the White House that won’t let us fix the problems he created.”

Responding to NBC’s Kelly O’Donell’s request to understand how the GOP planned to address the new reality of the US- Boehner ejaculated “tax cuts!” Boehner then told reporters he was going to be submitting a bill when Congress reconvenes in late September that would “give Job Creators incentives to create jobs.”

Thirsty Mayor Drinks Town’s Milkshake

rumormiller — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 04:53:52 PDT

Chicago, IL Mayor Rahm Emanuel disappointed by how quickly he finished his chocolate milkshake proceeded to take his straw and stick it into the milkshake meant for Chicago residents, effectively making their milkshake his milkshake. Emanuel’s mighty thirst, developed during his stay in Washington, was not quenched by the measly 16 oz shake allocated for him. In a mere 4 gulps, the 6000oz shake, which Chicagoans had been saving for all year was gone. The next day Emanuel was spotted at the gym complaining to his staff reporters that the shake had caused him to gain at least 10 lbs. When confronted in the locker room about the misappropriation of resources a naked Emmanuel shoved a pointed finger into the already bloated stomach of Chicago Sun Times Senior Editor Dick Turd while proclaiming that he had worked too long and too hard to not have his fill of milkshake. Many Chicago residents complained about the incident but ultimately threw their hands in the air and shrugged off the matter saying- “well that’s Chicago.”

McDonalds to Allow Dogs in Restaurants

Lindsay — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 05:42:27 PDT

Every dog has its day and for Lexington’s own Sophie Thomas, a 4 year old Caviler King Charles Spaniel, - that day is coming fast. Many Lexington residents will might recall late last year Sophie was the sleepy well behaved pup kicked out of McDonalds on Russell Cave Rd. Sophie and her owners Computer Systems Engineers Jim and Sam Thompson were eating their annual McDonalds meal when they were kicked out by 6 LPD officers. The reason? Home school teacher and mother of 6, Ellen Hudson’s frantic 911 call complaining about a “viscous dog” preventing her and her children entering the establishment.

While Sophie might have been asleep during the incident, her owners didn’t take the mater lying down an today the Federal appeals court has announced that McDonalds cannot make laws barring potty trained well behaved, attended and leashed dogs. CNN legal analysis Jeff Tubin talked about the case as a landmark victory for responsible dog owners saying to TV’s Anderson Cooper: “Jim Thompson’s argument that McDonalds already full of dirty disgusting children is an affront to it’s normal adult customers and the presence of a dog would help.” He then added "personally I’ve seen children vomit and defecate in the McDonalds and- at least my dog warns me by moving his head back and forth.”

What does Ellen Hudson think of it? We’ll it’s no secret that she’s not “loving it.” Hudson, appearing on NBC4 proclaimed “children are much more important than a dogs- children are our future. As a parent I worry about my kids constantly- I pulled them all out of school after even the teachers started bullying them into homosexuality and evolution- now I have to worry that McDonalds is gonna be full of mutts. I ain’tanti dog, mind you- I got 3 pit bulls of my own- but dogs belong behind a chain link fence or chained to a tree in the front lawn not in restraints for people. These people can play with their dog whenever they want- but I am a mother, I don’t have the luxury of free time like they do.”

McDonalds, which would not comment citing an appeal to the us supreme court acknowledged that they would be allowing "toy" breed dogs up to 25lbs in all restaurants cross country. They would also begin selling dog friendly products including real meat treats including ground beef nuggets and ground chicken meal in bone shapes. Many think that the new policy will attract many young childfree couples with dogs, ultimately resulting in McDonald’s ability to raise prices and increase profitability.

TSA: All Cars Must Be Searched

Lindsay — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 06:34:49 PDT

The TSA announced on their blog TSA:SecurityBytes today that the agency will be piloting a new program requiring all cars entering an Interstate to be searched. The program, code named Highway Liberty, will secure our nation's transportation grid from unspecified terrorists threats. Due to the heightened threat TSA Spokesperson Mike Hard announced that US Army would be providing armed security for the operation. Hard expected the program might cause slight delays but reminded reporters that the delays would be "worth it if we can save even one American life from terrorism." Hard reminded would be critics that "Interstates are a privilege, not a right," TSA advises travelers should plan to add an additional 30 minutes to their travel time and reminded travelers to fully cooperate with instructions of the TSA screener,

All though the announcement caused an uproar online, many motorists along one Chicago I-88 entrance ramp welcomed the extra sense of security. Homeschool teacher Jenane Gray complimented the TSA agents searching her trunk saying "I feel safer knowing that every car on the interstate has been searched- I don't know what the fuss is about, if you havent' don't anything wrong you have nothing to hide."

Hoarders Box Set Released

rumormiller — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 08:16:22 PDT

A&E's flagship program Hoarders released it's first box set today. The box set will ship in a dusty 6'x8'x4' cardboard box filled with old newspapers, flattened, mummified dead cats, and fecal matter. List price is $95.00 the set can be purchased at a substantial discount if bought in bulk. The release of the set marks the beginning of A&E's transformation into the high class equivalent of the TLC network.

Hoarders is a show you can watch if you want to see some really crazy people try to convince psychologists that 7 year old fast food wrappers are treasure. Also there's this one chick on there named Robin Zasio who has the most insane hair you've ever seen- she's not even crazy she's just a psychologist with really really bad hair. I mean if you saw her on the street you probably would notice, but seeing her on tv in HD- you wonder if she's wearing a really bad wig- seriously it looks like a crunchy mullet.

Hoarders Box Set Released

ITG — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 07:13:22 PDT

Ron Paul Privatize TSA

cool_guy — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 04:35:56 PDT

Texas congressman Ron Paul called today for privatizing the Transportation Security Administration. In a stunning 2 hour speech before the full house Paul urged his colleagues to realize that the TSA accomplishing nothing, but wastes everyone's time, calling the decade year old agency "loud, proud government excess at its most excessive." Paul's call to privatize the TSA stems from his libertarian view that government should be privatized. "The TSA exists to put money in the hands of government employees- it hasn't kept anyone safer." Paul called on contracting out TSA functions to airlines; explaining "The airlines are the only ones with any incentive to make sure planes don't get blown up." Paul went on to admit "I'd rather trust my life to an airline with billions at stake than a union employee with an 8th grade education and nothing to lose."

Do TSA employees really have no incentive to catch would be terrorists? "Of course!" explains TSA Spokesperson Ryan DeMaust. "The TSA takes great pride in the fact that no terrorists attacks have occurred after we were formed- we attribute this directly to increased pat downs, and use of full body scanners." A report provided by the TSA corroborates DeMaust's statements. The report, entitled "PATDOWN: TSA Eliminates Terrorism" concludes that the number of people dying in airliner attacks has decreased dramatically over the last decade- by over 1000%. Further, the deduction correlates and perfectly to the creation of the TSA.

Paul called the TSA report "ludicrous" and pointed out that the report makes no mention of how much money was spent on TSA operations. "The government wastes money- it can't help it!" "The government bought the nude body imagers without considering any cheaper options- or considering any of the potential lawsuits that might occur due to the scanners' safety. I call on this Congress to stop this modern day Tuskegee experiment immediately and put the safety in the hands of those who have a reason to protect it- the private airlines."

Guggenheim's Newest: Xzibit

Lindsay — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 14:22:34 PDT

New York's Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum will feature Rapper Xzibit on display next month. The Rapper will be featured as part of a Avaunt Gard artist Yoko Ono's latest collection entitled "Yo Dawg." Xzibit will be seated in a 22 x 13 ft Plexiglas's cube and will perform a variety of activities including sleeping, watching the movie "Inception", whispering quietly to visitors about other visitors, and drawing Internet Memes.

The Yo Dawg collection is interactive and will features a variety of objects inside other objects with similar names, allowing visitors to interact with both objects. Yo Dawg will be on display for a month and will cost $10 per person on top of the Guggenheim's $20 admission price.

NEWSCORP to Purchase Rumoriller

rumormiller — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 11:57:30 PDT

Rupert Murdoc's international news conglomerate NEWSCORP will enter a bid to buy the website rumormiller.com widey acknowledged as the Internet's Rumor Supersrouce. NEWSCORP intends to bid $750,000 to acquire a51% stake in the Hoboken, NJ company. Wall St Analysts hailed the move as a shift in NEWSCORP's strategy following the British phone hacking scandal that prevented NEWSCORP's acquisition of BSkyB. Susan Lee, an analyst for Moodys.com described the move as a smart move saying "if regulators will prevent NEWSCORP's from buying established media a transition back to acquiring small start ups is the only prudent choice to retain value and reestablish stock holder confidence. The only question," Lee continued, "is will stockholders applaud the purchasing of an asset so different form NEWSCORPs other assets. After all FoxNews covers hard news, while rumormiller specializes in the creation and destination of fictitious news and innuendo."

Rumormiller spokesperson Lindsay McGuyve admitted she was skeptical of the deal asking "Why would a legitimate corporation would wan to purchase a site that spreads lies and bullshit?" "It wasn't until we hacked into [NEWSCORP Senior Vice President of acquisitions] Tom Brown's voice mail that we confirmed the deal. We are pleased with the news and welcome the bid, also we're glad to hear that Brown broke up with his Mistress after finding out that his wife had been so distant because of the fear that their son's mysterious illness was cancer."