Death to Santa
Violence marred yet another day of protest in the North Pole capital city of Santa's village. Protestors made up mainly of the ethnic minority elf populations converged on Gumdrop Plaza demanding an end income inequality, an end to austerity and representation and accountability in the country's lower house. Despite mounting pressure from the international community, within an hour the elvish protestos were met with stiff and brutal resistance from Polensioan Authoricrat Santa's mounted police.
In a cell phone video clip posted to youtube an elf is seen being run over by a reindeer mounted snowman before being surrounded by ginger breadmen in full riot gear. After a barage of savage clubbings with candy canes the elf s uncerimously thrown into the back of an unmarked one horse open sleigh. The elf is then loaded onto a sligh and driven off, presumable to be tourted in Santa's Workshop.
Despite the heavy casualties elvish protesters are undeterred. One protestor, wearing 13 woolen hats and claiming to have traveled from the UK to help his brothers protest, dramatically changed the tone of teh protest from "better working conditions" to an all out assult on the Santa. The protestor, standing on top of an armored personelle carrier pumped his fist in the air erupted "Down with the dictator [Santa]." Within minutes a cochoophny of high pitched calls for death sure to raise every white hair on Santa's tremendous, bloated body, echoed through Gumdrop plaza.
Background
The History
Santa, originally installed as a temporary oversear of the disputed South North Pole territory at the end of WWII, has been the only ruler for many generations. After naming himself Devine Holy Emporer in 1967, Santa began a campaign of genocide nudging already frail tensions with the North North Pole to a breaking point. After an botched incursion by Santa's Special Walrus Team 6 into the North lead to the death of 39 polar bear cubs populaist North North pole leader St Nicholas Claus III was left with little choice then to declare war on the South. The North, under Nicholas' rule, had become a thriving hub of medical, food sciences, and space research. With little money spent on defense the North stood little chance against Santa's vast Religious Crusader Army.
Proxy War
Within days the USSR and US began secretly funding either side of the war, beginning a proxy war that nearly destroyed the coffers of both countries. The USSR supplied Nicholas' forces with attack helicopters and tanks. Santa's forces, while numerous faught with vehicles made of snow, ice, and wood. Despite massive protests in the US calling for support of St. Nicholas' progressive society, the US Congress and then US President Nixon refused to officially back either side. Through Freedom of Information acts we now know that even before the war began US special forces provided training and arms to Santa's troops. Ultimately it was the CIA with support of Congressman Charlie Wilson that ended the war. Wilson became convinced that ending the war and establishing friendly terms with Santa was the only way to stop the North Pole from destroying itself. Experts agree that while Wilson's gamble of $10B prevented further bloodshed, it also cemented Santa's role as dictator for life. Wilson's gamble changed the tide of the war, especially the $5B in rocket propelled gum drops, shoulder fired candy canes, and war narwhals. Santa's Religious Crusader Army could finally defeat Nicholas!
Pax Santa
On March 25 1972, Santa announced that the reunification of the North Pole. Santa, by then a paid CIA operative, established a puppet regime to placate the elves. The elves along with all other races were each allowed to a union leader from a selection of nominees Santa approved. The union leaders could then draft legislation. Santa had final authority to edit legislation before he approved it. As one of his final acts as President, Nixon US declared the North Pole an "Ally for Life" under the pretense establishing a democracy in the North Pole. In reality, the Nixon administration was acting on behalf of the toy industry. The industry saught to exploit the cheap elfin labor to drastically reduce the cost of toy production. For the next 30 years the North was relatively peaceful. Apart from the occasional defector attracting world attention, the only thing that left the North Pole was hundreds of tons of toys. Santa always made sure that when toys were deliverd it was he, not the elves or any other magical creature, who delivered them. Within 5 years Santa's blood thirsty acts of violence were forgotten as entire generations of children worshiped the annual gift man.
A Near Fatal Blow
Everything seemed to be going ok until the late 90's. Chinese manufacturing eroded Santa's monopoly on world wide toy production. New York Times Best Selling Author Thomas Friedman famously declared an end to the North Pole in a May 1997 editorial saying "One Chinaman can produce a Tickle Me Elmo for half the cost of an elf. In the next 5 years, the hopes of millions during the 60s, an end to the Santa regime will come not through military action, but simple economics." Many believe that Santa, an avid reader of the New York Times, read the Friedman piece. Within days of it's publication, the North Pole published an full page ad in the New York Times announcing that Santa had hired industry leading experts from General Motors, Bane Capital, and Goldman Sachs to restructure his operations. Within days reduction of elf benefits, Just-In-Time methodology and enslavement of Polar bears lowered North Pole manufacturing price levels to be competitive with China.
Tensions Rise
Although Santa rejoiced at taking his title of Toy King back, resentment among the elf population rose. Gone were the days of a ginger bred cottage for every elf. All elves now lived in military style barracks. All attempts by elfin union leaders to redress grievances were blocked by by Santa's powerful allies the reindeer and snowmen. Santa encouraged progressive elfin leadership to educate the snowmen and reindeer of elf plight. Ultimately the ill educated reindeer and snowmen populations refused all attempts at cordiality by elves saying "elves talk all faggy" and "when's the last time an elf pulled Santa's sliegh amirite?"
The Elfin Spring
In late 2007 like many wealthy dictators, Santa lost a tremendous amont of wealth to disgraced financier Bernie Madoff. It is estimated that Santa had invested $20B of his personal money and all of the North Pole's estimated $14B with Madoff. Santa's congress, in a thinly vieled attempt to fill coffers sold the next 7 years of toy revenue to Goldman Sachs in exchange for lump sum payment of 345 trillion Santa Bucks ($30 US). When word of the Tunisan revolution spread to the North Pole elvish leaders began staging daily protests. The elves famously refused to work the 5 days prior to Christmas 2010, leading gift giving that year to reach record lows. Ultimately it was Santa himself who triggered the massive protests that now mire the region. During a televised appearance in Gumdrop Plaza Santa slapped a young female elf named Thindee Withani for not addressing him as "Our Dear Leader." The footage was replayed on state television nonstop for 4 days. Enraged elves soon began amassing on Gumdrop Plaza calling for a public apology. When Santa flatly refused saying "the harlot deserved what she got, and it is only through my good graces that she is allowed to remain alive." Elves are famously asexual. The use of the word harlot lead to Thindee becoming the masthead of an unmovable wave of revolution. As world news outlets began covering the unreset the elves grew bolder. One elf in an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper said "All we want is a decent life and I've got a sharppended candy cane I hope to use to end Santa's [life] with- just like Gadhafi."
Santa's troops remain steadfast in their support for thier glorious leader. A gas mask wearing Mounted Snowman, in an interview with CBS News' Lara Logan replied coolly to accusations of police brutality with "Our tactics are no worse than those that your country uses against the Occupy Wall St scum, These elves are crooks- Santa told us the elves want even more money- right now they get to live in houses and yet we are forced to raise snowflakes outside. I fight for Santa and hope my loyalty will be rewarded with an elf apartment.
Lack of Us Involvement
To the frustration of countless Americans, the US has continued to officially support the Santa regime. Many suspect corporate interests are behind the seemingly unwavering support. CEO Loyd Blankfleld's summer 2011 testimony to the House International Relations Committee laid out, in no uncertain terms, that Goldman Sachs sought to protect it's investment. "This is not a matter of Democracy- this is a matter of National Security. Santa, is, and always will be our ally. Goldman recognized this and made an investment in Santa. We ask that the US respect our right to make investments and not interfere with Santa's response to the terroristic actions of the Elf terrorists. Goldman also reminds Congress that Elves willing to kill each other will not stop when they have taken the North, much like the Taliban- if Congress chooses to help the elves now we will be funding the 9/11 hijackers of tomorrow." Left with little choice but to watch on the sidelines, the Obama administration has offered little comment on the revolution.
As the conflict slogs on both sides appear immovable continue to rely on the only news outlet with a reporter on the ground.
Santa calling elf revolutionary leader Thindee Withani a Harlet. This image can be found on signs throughout Gumdrop Plaza.
In a cell phone video clip posted to youtube an elf is seen being run over by a reindeer mounted snowman before being surrounded by ginger breadmen in full riot gear. After a barage of savage clubbings with candy canes the elf s uncerimously thrown into the back of an unmarked one horse open sleigh. The elf is then loaded onto a sligh and driven off, presumable to be tourted in Santa's Workshop.
Despite the heavy casualties elvish protesters are undeterred. One protestor, wearing 13 woolen hats and claiming to have traveled from the UK to help his brothers protest, dramatically changed the tone of teh protest from "better working conditions" to an all out assult on the Santa. The protestor, standing on top of an armored personelle carrier pumped his fist in the air erupted "Down with the dictator [Santa]." Within minutes a cochoophny of high pitched calls for death sure to raise every white hair on Santa's tremendous, bloated body, echoed through Gumdrop plaza.
Background
The History
Santa, originally installed as a temporary oversear of the disputed South North Pole territory at the end of WWII, has been the only ruler for many generations. After naming himself Devine Holy Emporer in 1967, Santa began a campaign of genocide nudging already frail tensions with the North North Pole to a breaking point. After an botched incursion by Santa's Special Walrus Team 6 into the North lead to the death of 39 polar bear cubs populaist North North pole leader St Nicholas Claus III was left with little choice then to declare war on the South. The North, under Nicholas' rule, had become a thriving hub of medical, food sciences, and space research. With little money spent on defense the North stood little chance against Santa's vast Religious Crusader Army.
Proxy War
Within days the USSR and US began secretly funding either side of the war, beginning a proxy war that nearly destroyed the coffers of both countries. The USSR supplied Nicholas' forces with attack helicopters and tanks. Santa's forces, while numerous faught with vehicles made of snow, ice, and wood. Despite massive protests in the US calling for support of St. Nicholas' progressive society, the US Congress and then US President Nixon refused to officially back either side. Through Freedom of Information acts we now know that even before the war began US special forces provided training and arms to Santa's troops. Ultimately it was the CIA with support of Congressman Charlie Wilson that ended the war. Wilson became convinced that ending the war and establishing friendly terms with Santa was the only way to stop the North Pole from destroying itself. Experts agree that while Wilson's gamble of $10B prevented further bloodshed, it also cemented Santa's role as dictator for life. Wilson's gamble changed the tide of the war, especially the $5B in rocket propelled gum drops, shoulder fired candy canes, and war narwhals. Santa's Religious Crusader Army could finally defeat Nicholas!
Pax Santa
On March 25 1972, Santa announced that the reunification of the North Pole. Santa, by then a paid CIA operative, established a puppet regime to placate the elves. The elves along with all other races were each allowed to a union leader from a selection of nominees Santa approved. The union leaders could then draft legislation. Santa had final authority to edit legislation before he approved it. As one of his final acts as President, Nixon US declared the North Pole an "Ally for Life" under the pretense establishing a democracy in the North Pole. In reality, the Nixon administration was acting on behalf of the toy industry. The industry saught to exploit the cheap elfin labor to drastically reduce the cost of toy production. For the next 30 years the North was relatively peaceful. Apart from the occasional defector attracting world attention, the only thing that left the North Pole was hundreds of tons of toys. Santa always made sure that when toys were deliverd it was he, not the elves or any other magical creature, who delivered them. Within 5 years Santa's blood thirsty acts of violence were forgotten as entire generations of children worshiped the annual gift man.
A Near Fatal Blow
Everything seemed to be going ok until the late 90's. Chinese manufacturing eroded Santa's monopoly on world wide toy production. New York Times Best Selling Author Thomas Friedman famously declared an end to the North Pole in a May 1997 editorial saying "One Chinaman can produce a Tickle Me Elmo for half the cost of an elf. In the next 5 years, the hopes of millions during the 60s, an end to the Santa regime will come not through military action, but simple economics." Many believe that Santa, an avid reader of the New York Times, read the Friedman piece. Within days of it's publication, the North Pole published an full page ad in the New York Times announcing that Santa had hired industry leading experts from General Motors, Bane Capital, and Goldman Sachs to restructure his operations. Within days reduction of elf benefits, Just-In-Time methodology and enslavement of Polar bears lowered North Pole manufacturing price levels to be competitive with China.
Tensions Rise
Although Santa rejoiced at taking his title of Toy King back, resentment among the elf population rose. Gone were the days of a ginger bred cottage for every elf. All elves now lived in military style barracks. All attempts by elfin union leaders to redress grievances were blocked by by Santa's powerful allies the reindeer and snowmen. Santa encouraged progressive elfin leadership to educate the snowmen and reindeer of elf plight. Ultimately the ill educated reindeer and snowmen populations refused all attempts at cordiality by elves saying "elves talk all faggy" and "when's the last time an elf pulled Santa's sliegh amirite?"
The Elfin Spring
In late 2007 like many wealthy dictators, Santa lost a tremendous amont of wealth to disgraced financier Bernie Madoff. It is estimated that Santa had invested $20B of his personal money and all of the North Pole's estimated $14B with Madoff. Santa's congress, in a thinly vieled attempt to fill coffers sold the next 7 years of toy revenue to Goldman Sachs in exchange for lump sum payment of 345 trillion Santa Bucks ($30 US). When word of the Tunisan revolution spread to the North Pole elvish leaders began staging daily protests. The elves famously refused to work the 5 days prior to Christmas 2010, leading gift giving that year to reach record lows. Ultimately it was Santa himself who triggered the massive protests that now mire the region. During a televised appearance in Gumdrop Plaza Santa slapped a young female elf named Thindee Withani for not addressing him as "Our Dear Leader." The footage was replayed on state television nonstop for 4 days. Enraged elves soon began amassing on Gumdrop Plaza calling for a public apology. When Santa flatly refused saying "the harlot deserved what she got, and it is only through my good graces that she is allowed to remain alive." Elves are famously asexual. The use of the word harlot lead to Thindee becoming the masthead of an unmovable wave of revolution. As world news outlets began covering the unreset the elves grew bolder. One elf in an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper said "All we want is a decent life and I've got a sharppended candy cane I hope to use to end Santa's [life] with- just like Gadhafi."
Santa's troops remain steadfast in their support for thier glorious leader. A gas mask wearing Mounted Snowman, in an interview with CBS News' Lara Logan replied coolly to accusations of police brutality with "Our tactics are no worse than those that your country uses against the Occupy Wall St scum, These elves are crooks- Santa told us the elves want even more money- right now they get to live in houses and yet we are forced to raise snowflakes outside. I fight for Santa and hope my loyalty will be rewarded with an elf apartment.
Lack of Us Involvement
To the frustration of countless Americans, the US has continued to officially support the Santa regime. Many suspect corporate interests are behind the seemingly unwavering support. CEO Loyd Blankfleld's summer 2011 testimony to the House International Relations Committee laid out, in no uncertain terms, that Goldman Sachs sought to protect it's investment. "This is not a matter of Democracy- this is a matter of National Security. Santa, is, and always will be our ally. Goldman recognized this and made an investment in Santa. We ask that the US respect our right to make investments and not interfere with Santa's response to the terroristic actions of the Elf terrorists. Goldman also reminds Congress that Elves willing to kill each other will not stop when they have taken the North, much like the Taliban- if Congress chooses to help the elves now we will be funding the 9/11 hijackers of tomorrow." Left with little choice but to watch on the sidelines, the Obama administration has offered little comment on the revolution.
As the conflict slogs on both sides appear immovable continue to rely on the only news outlet with a reporter on the ground.
Santa calling elf revolutionary leader Thindee Withani a Harlet. This image can be found on signs throughout Gumdrop Plaza.
