Director Michael Bay has been tapped to make a reboot of ET: The Extra terrestrial. Bay has reportedly finished rewriting the movie which will be released as: ET: The eXtreme Terrestrial. To put it in perspective Bay is tasked with taking a beloved children’s classic and making it less shity and less boring and not so aggravatingly stupid. Reports indicate that Bay’s initial rewrite will change ET from the traditional frumpy 2 foot tall walking brain covered in foreskin as a 50 foot tall loud-mouth extreme bad boy- who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind- even if it’s not politically correct.
Staying true to the classic tale, product placement will be heavily included in the movie: with ET chugging gallon after gallon of Mtn Dew. Sam ET's companion will be changed from an awkward 12 year old boy into a character more familiar to today's movie goer: an awkward 19 year old, college freshman with a crippling addiction to online gaming. Gone too is the archaic plot of the FBI chasing the wimpy alien. In Bay's rewrite- ET runs to the action. It is for this reason that the FBI will be recruiting, ET to fight terrorism, but ET just wants to hang with his bro Sam, play games, slam “teh Dew”, and get laid. Also written out of Bay's version is the iconic scene of a cowering ET making a bicycke fly, because according to Bay- "bikes are not extreme, and no kid rides a bike anymore." Instead ET transforms into an F22 Stealth Raptor, blasting Sam on a trip to Afghanistan, which he then blows up. Did I mention he was a robot? Because that was kind of important. Also ET takes Sam and his lady friend to Vegas- where a drunken ET entertains a crowd of onlookers with a "hip hop, breakdance, rap."
Also gone is the lame, glowing finger that heals, instead it will be replaced by ET’s new appendages, a light saber chain saw shotgun and a machine gun that fires lazers. The iconic holding up of ET’s hand will be replaced by the more contemporary gesture- the shocker.
The movie is expected to cost $500 million dollars and will likely be a massive success because Drew Berrymore’s character will be played by someone who is a hot 18year old, and not retarded.
An initial concept poster for Micheal Bay’s ET. ET will no longer be phoning home, but will instead he’ll be calling Sam’s Pakistani neighbor to ask why the neighbor came into Sam's yard and kicked Sam's dog.