An exclusive source has reported that death has not slowed Apple co-founder Steve Jobs' mission to simplify a complex world. Agreeing to speak on the condition of anonymity, St. Peter reported that Jobs is the only person who has gazed at the Pearly Gates and thought, "I can fix this." Within a few minutes Jobs had designed what is now Heaven's greatest work-- the iWall. Upon leaving their earthly vessels, souls are greeted by the sight of a 6 foot tall, 2 inch thick surface of infinite length in brilliant white, gleaming, seamless plastic. St. Peter no longer has to signal a heavenly company of cherubs to open the gate- he simply uses the iWall's slick touch interface and the seamless iWall slides open. St. Peter's only compliant? "Everyone wants to use my iWall- it takes me hours to convince the deceased to enter heaven." St Peter also mentioned that the once pristine backside of the wall is covered with finger prints. Peter shook his head helplessly and asked rhetorically, "Can't even God make a cloth that can keep an iProduct's back surface smudge-free?"
Jobs' influence has also stretched to Hell. Lucifer proclaimed that instead of a pot of boiling oil the newly damned are now greeted with a 25-page PDF that must be filled out on an iMac that hasn't been rebooted in 10 years. "For most people, the mouse is a killer," he explained, "It's round and only has one button, which is the entire body of the mouse. You should see those poor souls try to figure out how to copy and paste their name on every page -- it's an appropriate taste of what's to come down here." He Who Must Not Be Named also added that the computer doesn't even have iTunes, which everyone knows is the only program that makes a Mac useful.
Jobs, ever loyal to his fans, struck a deal with the devil in which anyone who jumps for joy at the sign of the friendly computer gets automatic entry into heaven. As is his way, the Devil confided that anyone who loads a proper OS like Windows 7 is also instantly sent to Heaven, where they are damned to live among Apple folk for eternity, listening to them try in vain to make calls on their iPhones until they eventually give up and just play Angry Birds to justify their phones' existence.
Steve Jobs showscases a new iFlute that allows Cherubs to play heavenly music downloaded from iTunes also Katie Perry's California GIrls.